I am racist. Seriously.

Here’s the truth: if we don’t want riots, we need to proactively respond to suffering, rather than deny or ignore it. That’s how we got here. Again.

If you’re bitching about is how “outraged” you are about the riots, you’re ignoring America’s entire history of limiting opportunity and rights of Black people. This is not “over the death of a man” — it’s decades upon decades of oppression and unnecessary struggling. Someone posted on Facebook that they see rioters as “ghetto trash destroying things.”

I used to think like that, too. I decided to genuinely listen for understanding, rather than jumping to simple, hollow conclusions. It’s hard, and there has to be a willingness to hear it, but I’d much rather humanize people and understand what’s actually happening than dismissing the deep, underlying, thick, heavy history that is bursting from the seams in the form of rioting.

Black people are TIRED OF HURTING. Racism is MUCH deeper than you or me. It’s more than overt slurs. It is bigger than any of us. It is a DEEP system that runs throughout just about every facet of society.

I am racist. If you’re white in western society, you’re also racist. When you stop viewing this as a moral flaw and realize we were all socialized to view and treat Black and Brown people differently, then you can begin to see it’s a deeply embedded system within nearly every other social system.

Let’s do some reflection. Have you ever…

• Changed the direction you were walking because a Black person was walking your way?
• Said “I don’t see color”? [color-bind racism]
• Claimed the disproportionate poverty rates of Black and Brown people is due to cultural or innate laziness, moral flaws, low intelligence, etc.?
• Been surprised that a Black or Brown person was actually smart or smarter than you initially thought?
• Made literally any other assumption or changed your behavior in a way that you wouldn’t about a white person?

Those answers are uncomfortable, aren’t they? But if we, as white people, continue to invest in our comfort over the lives and wellbeing of other people, then that’s very telling of where our priorities lie, isn’t it?

Our ancestors set-up this shit, and we maintain it. It is our responsibility to identify everyday racism and develop policy that allow us to change our behavior, invest in communities of color, and listen to non-white people to inform these decisions.

It is no coincidence that Black and Brown people suffer greater rates of poverty, COVID deaths, police brutality – IT IS ALL CONNECTED.

I need my fellow white people to open themselves up and be vulnerable. Stop justifying why people of color “act that way” or “make a huge deal out of nothing” with no evidence. It’s easier to digest sweet little lies – but that also makes YOU PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE for upholding racism and white supremacy. YES – white supremacy.

Stop feeling attacked. It’s not about you.  

I encourage every white person to read White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo with an open mind and heart.

It’s not comfortable, I know. But, again, our discomfort is a small price to pay for the greater good.

What Moira Rose can Teach Us about being “Unrealistic”

If you haven’t seen Schitt’s Creek, what are you even doing…? Seriously, though, if you haven’t seen the show, you may want to come back to this post later. Before I get into why I believe Moira can teach us a lesson on manifesting big goals, here’s a synopsis of the plot:

The Rose family found themselves SOL, going from riches to rags within a day. They found themselves swept to a small town in the middle of nowhere, which they had purchased, years ago, as a joke. Now, the family – comprised a husband, wife, and their 2 adult children – must quickly assimilate to being impoverished, living out of a low-end motel.

The wife, Moira, a former television soap opera star, perhaps shows the most acute culture shock via hiding in the closet for a couple of days, weeping about their steep fall from grace. Throughout the series, her demeanor, style of dress, and extensive vocabulary are at stark contrast to the everyday-Joes of Schitt’s Creek.

Now, here’s my inspiration of this post: My boyfriend and I discussed the characters and their adjustment to their new lives, and he said, “I think Moira was the one who took the longest to come to terms with reality.” And I actually completely disagree! While the other family members struggled in their own unique ways, when it came to adjustment, I think Moira fully understood the gravity of what happened – which is why she locked herself away (literally) and felt it deeply.

After she finally crawled from the closet, she dusted herself off, and started working with her new circumstances. Here’s what’s significant: she continued to have big dreams and goals that appeared unattainable and unrealistic to onlookers. While my boyfriend thinks this was indicative that she still lived with her head in the clouds, I argue her mindset shaped the behaviors that manifested her eventual success and (SEMI-SPOILER) relaunched her career.

Simply, if Moira didn’t hold onto hope and the possibility that she could find new opportunities to hit-it-big again, she wouldn’t have tried. And if you don’t try, the opportunities are guaranteed not to happen.  

Did she have setbacks and doubts? Yes. But even in those moments, she controlled what she could – from becoming a member of city council to putting on a kick-ass production of Cabaret.

When she arrived on set to The Crows Have Eyes III, she quickly realized the prospects of making a decent film were slim. But she saw the potential and convinced those she was working with to also see it – she inspired hope.  And when she finally got home and hosted a rather pitiful premiere, it was a “crow mishap” that ended-up pulling in media attention, which eventually led to the opportunity for (SPOILER) a job in the reprisal of her former soap opera – her career revival.

You may be thinking, “Yeah, okay, but it was a fortunate coincidence that the crow incident even happened.” And to that, I ask you: Are there not tiny, seemingly insignificant moments of your life that led to huge, unanticipated outcomes? I recently discovered the only reason our family is in Michigan is because, while stopping for a bite to eat in Toledo, my great grandfather’s conversation of heading to California for work just so happened to be overheard by his eventual boss! In my life, the only reason I landed my current job, which I absolutely love and has heavily shaped my career, is because my now-supervisor made a small comment to me, while dropping off an application for prospective applicants, at my former office… Life is full of tiny moments that lead to significant outcomes.

Most importantly, if Moira didn’t try and didn’t stay motivated by hope and possibility, the accident would never have happened, right? When we hold onto hope, keep steadfast to our goals, and continue putting in the effort, we behave and think in ways that create opportunity.

So, thank you, Moira, for reminding us to continue believing in ourselves, even when the world around us can’t see the very real potential that we all possess.

…

Bonus! Here’s one of my favorite scenes from the series. Enjoy! 🙂

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Reflections on my 27th Birthday: Eva and Me

Let me preface this by saying this will be long and may be all over the place. This is for personal reflection, but I hope it encourages you to take time to thoroughly reflect from time to time.

I don’t know that I’ve ever felt such a combination of gratitude, fear, self-frustration, self-doubt, and confusion in a long time. Funny enough, it was probably back a decade ago, when I was 17 that I felt similarly – being at several crossroads in life… Back then, it was struggles and doubt with my sexuality, religion, self-love, post-high-school plans, and trauma… Now, at 27, I struggle with professional competence, pursuing the “right” career (whatever that means), my personal identity outside the context of school/work, and the reality that my youth is fleeting more rapidly than I anticipated… Similar to 17, self-love and spirituality are still sore spots, but in a different way.

Overall, I’ve learned to love myself, but only to the degree of my utility in bettering humanity and the environment. I’ve had a life-long struggle with tying self-worth to work-ethic – and what a horrible notion we’ve been socialized to accept. I’m working on countering this mindset, but it’s a struggle… In some ways, though, is it necessarily a bad thing to gauge self-worth to justice efforts – especially considering my spirituality (pantheism)? To a degree, maybe – so long as it’s motivating and not self-depreciating? I don’t know… So, really, I think my self-love is tied to self-worth, which is tied to work ethic, and I do think this is toxic. I am valuable and worthy for simply existing – that’s what school and pantheism tells me. I know this. I just wish I felt it…

I find is illuminating to realize just how much I’ve used school and work to keep me so busy that I can successfully neglect my emotions and personal wishes in life. There is an appeal to throw myself back into a 60+ hour work week, now that I’m graduated – both to ignore my feelings and assimilate to the fucked-up burnout culture that we worship… But I’m refusing. It’s time for introspection. It’s time to appreciate life outside the context of being so stressed that I’m perpetually irritable, regularly bite my finger nails until they bleed, drink so much coffee that I have digestive problems (severe enough to get a colonoscopy), and experience chronic, persistent anxiety (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) – always stressed, always prepared for the next crisis… I feel like I don’t even fully know who I am outside of work and school… I like video games and spending time outside, but what else…?

I want to spend the next 2 years ONLY working 40 hours per week. I want to reconnect with myself, explore potential interests, travel, and work on inner peace. And doing so will allow me to be a better (whatever the fuck I’m going to be)… The last semester of grad school felt so isolating, in that EVERY classmate planned to pursue their clinical license after graduating, and I’m not…at least not right now. The biggest revelation this past academic year is that I will not be content doing clinical work alone. I will not be able to sleep knowing that so many of the issues facing my clients are due to shitty, non-inclusive, neglectful, or discriminatory policies at the municipal, state, and federal levels… I know I either need to shift into macro-level social work (which I am not readily prepared for) or politics (which I’m even more unprepared for).

But here’s the thing: I convinced myself that I was grossly under-qualified for my current job in research – I almost didn’t even apply. Turns out, I got it over 30+ candidates. Also turns out I was definitely not prepared for everything the job entailed – BUT THAT WAS OKAY. I LEARNED WHAT I DIDN’T KNOW. AND my past annual review was perfect, saying I was an asset to the study’s success… Why do I also convince myself that I can’t do something just because I have a few blind spots. I KNOW we are lifelong learners. I KNOW I can learn what I don’t know, and I know how to do it! I just wish I felt it…

I look to political inspirations, like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Eva Perón – two women (with drastically different stories) who NOBODY thought would have the influence they achieved… But that’s the other thing: I want so badly to run for office, but I don’t think Michigan is ready for my radical-left agenda. We saw it during the last gubernatorial election, when we had a great progressive in Abdul El-Sayed, but settled for center-left Gretchen Whitmer (though, I’m sure Islamophobia definitely was a factor, too). We see it again with Bernie Sanders (may he be forever blessed) and Joe Biden…

But here’s the thing: Radicals have historically changed the world for the better, leading to socially acceptable of policies we take for granted as being basic ethics, today. Look at Dorothea Dix – WHAT. A. PHENOMENAL. ADVOCATE. Jane Addams with poverty… The greatest social progress is made by those who are “too far left” and society is NEVER READY for them… I know I need to research their histories better to understand how they were able to be successful, despite the odds against them. That is the knowledge, passion, and motivation I want to embody. Sometimes I think I’m overly optimistic, but…

…Thinking back to religion, and my exiting of Christianity as a young adult, the most liberating thing has to be letting go of the concept of sin. I was raised to believe everyone is dirty with sin – that our humanity itself is flawed and unworthy. And that’s why Jesus had to be a sacrifice – to forgive us of our shortcomings, lest we spent an eternity in agonizing suffering… And what an atrocious sentiment that is.

Leaving religion allowed me to revise my view of people as being basically good. I believe humans have a natural tendency to prosper and be loving toward each other – but they must have a nurturing environment. I do suicide-prevention research with people in jail. Believe me when I tell you that the consequences of not having love and support manifest as people having limited options, making non-ideal choices, feeling like absolute shit about themselves in the process… People are not flawed: they just need the right set of circumstances to flourish. The more I experience – the more I bare witness to stories of vulnerability and suffering – the more strongly I hold to my political convictions.

The reality is we have the capacity to eliminate much of the unnecessary suffering in the United States and much of the globe: many have been corrupted through greed, though, and those are the people who hold the power.

One thing that will not help, I promise you, is conservative policy, which actively demonizes the vulnerable members of our society. (A big “fuck you” to Trump, Pence, and McConnell – just to name a few favorites). A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, as a society is only as strong as its most vulnerable people. America (and the world) is failing. And you know what I learned during my last semester, if you outline a researched, realistic plan of action, you have it more figured out than many politicians. I can do that, and I will.

One of my last thoughts here is that I’m honored to share a birthday Eva Perón. I cannot tell you how much inspiration I draw from this woman. A rags-to-riches radical who NEVER forgot where she came from, wielding her power to nearly eliminate the working-class status in Argentina. (Tactics and rise to power questionable? Yup.) Her integrity to dedicate herself to fight for the poor and be a beacon of hope inspires me daily. I keep her portrait above my desk. There were times in school I couldn’t muster motivation to do my work. I would look up at her, breathe, and promise to keep going.

I am one of Eva’s millions, and school served as a foundation. It’s time for me take a couple years to regroup, strategize, and execute my political agenda with compassion for humanity, dignity of people, and love. I promise, “BLT” will be a household name, like “AOC,” and you will see my unflattering picture as I am mercilessly mocked on Fox News…. And I can’t wait.

Get ready, because I’m coming.